i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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