ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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