I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
