Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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