Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize