Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(248): View more from Michigan

My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(907): View more from Alaska

He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

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(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed

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(585): View more from New York

I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital

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