I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Drake has all the answers
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
