It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
