The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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