she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
