i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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