considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
