hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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