i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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