thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
