so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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