I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you inspire me to be a worse person
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
