why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
