highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You need Xanax blowdarts
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
