Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
