hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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