when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
