We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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