pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
