make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
is this the sara with the beer cane?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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