is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
