Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
