cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
