we have officially lost it.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
