Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
