I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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