do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
