then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
