Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
