he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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