yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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