remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My dick has a subreddit
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
