Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
