wrigley field is MILF paradise
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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