So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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