he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
