I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
