my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
