I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
