The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
