My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
