guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
