Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
