Your mouth is God's brothel.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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