Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
