I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
