every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
