Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize