my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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