Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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