It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
