remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize