what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
