Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
