Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
