There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
