i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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