please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize