Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
