Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
