Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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