I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There's always time for handjobs
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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