coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
