You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
